A Crash Course in Womanese


I’ve done it now,

Proper tee’d her off again

I asked her what was wrong and then

She said in Womanese  

“Fergus if you don’t get it,

then just forget it please

So I did,

cause I speak English

but she speaks Womanese


I knew she was upset

about me forgetting it and all.

So I suggested an early night

to ease her pain

we snuggles for a while

“Are you tired?”  She asked with a smile,

so I nodded  and said “I am”

Ops. more Womanese.



I woke to a breakfast of cold shoulder

So I tried  to hug and hold her

I tried hard to be tender

never wishing to offend her

I asked her “what’s the problem baby”

to ease the tension maybe

She pushed me away,

said “Fuck you I’m ok”


but would you believe

she only said it to appease

cause she was speaking goddamn Womanese


So that night I planned to be the perfect guy

Watch silly chick flicks, pretend to cry

She asked me “Are you cold” in the strangest tone

So I turned up the heat and went to bed…. alone


The next morning I cuddled her tight,

asked her if she had a good night


she pulled away and cried

said with haughty pride

“leave me alone,

you bastard  please.”

Fuck I gotta learn

some Womanese


She must have calmed down that day because  

when I brought her some flowers,

she kissed me for an hour

.She said “I loved you” and even began to tease

looked like I was on a winner

until I asked her “what’s for dinner”

A Jesus Christ. she was speaking Womanese.

So now I’m in a class with other guys

We’re all learning to cry and to apologise

And the ten thousand little things

That we need to do to please

And fuck yeah. we’re all learning



© Dave Kavanagh  2016

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